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Mike's Amazingly Boring Journal
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mike's LiveJournal:

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Friday, April 8th, 2011
11:08 pm


The thing I remember most about first and second grade is how much I wanted a Nintendo Entertainment System, and how I would have done anything to get one. I eventually did get one, as gift from all four of my grandparents for Christmas when I was in second grade. But I spent the whole year previous to that begging my parents to get me one. In autumn, my parents made a deal with me: if I could score a goal in soccer, they'd buy me a Nintendo. I was awful at sports, partly because I had no interest in sports whatsoever, and partly because I spent most of my time on the field staring off into the space daydreaming that I had a Nintendo. But suddenly, I had motivation to actually try. And wouldn't you know it, through some stunning combination of luck and determination, I scored a goal.

So I ran up to my parents after the game, and looked at them expectantly, waiting to be told that we could go to the toy store. Instead, my dad said something to the effect of "Big deal, score another goal and then maybe we'll talk."

I was heartbroken. I had been offered a deal, and when I fulfilled my end of the deal, the terms changed suddenly. Well, I wasn't for that fucking bullshit a second time. And I never EVER attempted to be anything other than awful at soccer ever again.

A couple years later, I realized the truth: my parents had absolutely no faith in me whatsoever. They were so fucking sure that I'd never score a goal in soccer that they were willing to promise me anything I wanted if I could do it. And so, by fourth grade, I had figured out my place in life: I was useless, even my parents knew I was useless, and I would never amount to anything ever.

And hey, they were right. There's your lesson, kids. Go fucking enjoy it.

Friday, September 17th, 2010
6:29 am
An Enemy Of Sleeves


I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I hate long sleeves on shirts. Aside from dress shirts, I own pretty much entirely short sleeve shirts. I don't know why, but long sleeves make me feel claustrophic and itchy. On the rare occasions that I wear a hoodie or a winter jacket, I roll up the sleeves. The only time I'll deal with long sleeves is if I'm wearing a full suit or tuxedo. If it's just a shirt and tie, then I'm rolling up those sleeves. I especially like doing rolling up my sleeves in this scenario, because it makes me like a politican getting ready for a photo op. "Senatorial Candidate FloydDoorz is ready to go to Washington and work for YOU!"

And of course, I also hate tattoo sleeves. I'm not a big fan of tattoos in general, but I can understand why people get them. Sleeves are just retarded.

I've never seen a sleeve and thought: "Wow, that looks really cool."

It's always: "Wow, you spent close to a $1000 making your arm look like a five year old drew on it. Nice work!"

FUN FACT: The Navy and Marines do not allow tattoo sleeves. Any tattoos you have must be covered by your dress uniform. I know a guy whose decided at age 20 that he wanted to be a Marine. Unfortunately, he decided at age 18 that he wanted to get a ridiculous sleeve. So uh, he never got to be a Marine. Oops.

I don't know if the other branches of the American military have similar policies. However, I do know this: unless Street Fighter 2 is a liar, the Air Force allows giant American flag tattoos on your upper arm.



Current Mood: tired
Tuesday, September 14th, 2010
3:04 pm
I Wrote A Song Today


I wrote a song today. It's called "Every Single Thing In The Entire World Makes Me Angry". These are the lyrics:

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


A couple of lines might need a little work, but I think it's pretty good.



Current Mood: groggy
Monday, September 13th, 2010
8:59 pm
Hooray.


http://web.archive.org/web/20060206215250/http://floyddoorz.livejournal.com/

With the help of the Internet Archive Project, I seem to have fixed my colors. And I didn't have to upgrade to the S2 style to do it. Life is good. I'm pretty sure the old colors have been 100% restored. If you see any mistakes, let me know.

Coincidentally, my featured music in the top post on the archived page is a Robert Schimmel song, and he recently died in car accident. If I had bought his CD, instead of pirating it, perhaps he would have been able to afford a better car and he'd still be alive. :(



Current Mood: accomplished
Sunday, September 5th, 2010
6:01 am
WHAT THE FUCK?


What happened to my colors!?

Friday, April 30th, 2010
11:11 pm
Quick update.


Recent tests seem to indicate that I'm still alive.



Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
8:39 pm
KGB: Because You're A Complete Fucking Idiot


Maybe you've seen a KGB commercial on TV. If not, here's one:



The premise is this: You text a question to 542542 (because 542 spells out KGB on a telephone, get it?) and they give you an answer. Also, they charge you money. This is great if you need an answer to something fast, unless of course YOUR CELLPHONE HAS TEH INTERNETS. If you have enough information that you are able to assemble it in the form of a coherent question, you have enough information that you can Google it. And unlike KGB, Google is free on your phone, assuming that you have a data plan. And you should. What's the point of having a cellphone if you can't compulsively check Facebook from it? Actually talking to people in real-time? MEH.

Also, this KGB commercial really freaking irritates me:



The concept of a "brain fart" pisses me off, so much. I know KGB didn't invent the phrase, but since I don't hang around with complete tools, it's been years since I've had to hear or see it. The commercial defines a brain fart as "an involuntary release of ignorance". That's a great description for Turret's, but a terrible description for a brain fart. In the commercial, the professor asks his class who sculpted "The Thinker" and none of them can come up with it. That's not an involuntary release of ignorance, that's a mental block. So, a brain fart is actually the OPPOSITE of what they say it is. It's not an involuntary release of ignorance, it's an involuntary holding in of information. So the phenomena should be called "brain constipation". Not only is it more accurate, it's also slightly classier. Farts, both the word itself and the action, are disgusting things that should be mentioned as infrequently as possible.



Current Mood: annoyed
Monday, August 3rd, 2009
11:16 pm
Keep the change.


I have devised a new way to irritate my father. From now on, I shall only refer to Obama as "President Barack". Is it completely disrespectful? Absolutely. But it's G-Rated, which is a better deal than President Bush ever got.



Current Mood: drained
Wednesday, July 29th, 2009
5:58 am
Facebook birthdays


Have you ever done that this: It's a little after midnight. You're on Facebook. You check the list of upcoming birthdays and see that one of your friends has a birthday coming up. You go to wish them a happy birthday, then notice that no one else has wished them a happy birthday yet. So you hold off, because you're not good enough friends that it's acceptable for you to be the first person to wish them a happy birthday. You promise yourself you'll come back in like 12 hours and wish them a happy birthday, but then you forget. And you feel mildly guilty.

You know you have.



Current Mood: tired
Monday, July 13th, 2009
6:04 am
This made my week.


Friday night, my mom was across the street hanging out with a few of our neighbors. Saturday morning, she told me that they thought I was "18 or 19, 20 tops", and were shocked to be told otherwise.



Current Mood: awake
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
12:22 am
Movie Theater Popcorn nows comes in three sizes: large, extra large, and my vag.


Back before Drew Carey hosted The Price Is Right, and even before he had a hit sitcom on Disney Presents ABC, he was a stand-up comedian. And one of Drew's most famous bits was telling jokes about how big his allegedly dick was. How come you never see comediennes bragging about how big there vaginas are? That would be comic gold.

"My vag's so big, it's got its own zip code."
"My vag's so big, it charges money for its autograph."
"My vag's so big that if it ran out of money, the government would bail it out."
"My vag is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my vag got right in. I had to stand there and argue with the doorman."

And so on.



Current Mood: tired
Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
5:52 am
Photoshop 101






Current Mood: restless
Sunday, March 22nd, 2009
10:30 pm
Someday you will ache like I ache...


I hate the new Facebook layout more and more everyday. I don't like Twitter. Twitter sucks, and only vapid idiots use it. And if I wanted to use Twitter, I'd use it. But again, I'm not a vapid idiot. There is no reason for Facebook to turn into Twitter Lite. I fell like a great injustice has been visited upon me, and I want Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to suffer as I suffer.



Current Mood: angry
Monday, March 16th, 2009
11:08 pm
Have fun celebrating Hitler's birthday, douchebags.


When I see that one of my Facebook friends has announced that they're attending 4/20, I die a little inside. You wanna smoke the reefer? Fine. But it's not something you should be proud of. I hope a prospective employer sees that and it costs you a job. With a little luck, your life will be ruined forever.



Current Mood: disappointed
Saturday, January 17th, 2009
7:39 pm
Solsbury Hill


I think I really hate the Peter Gabriel song "Solsbury Hill". I've seen one too many trailers for pretentious indy films about self-discovery that has employed this song as background music. The song has become cliche through overuse, and the melody irritates in ways I can't describe.

Then again, if I were to make my own pretentious indy film about self-discovery, there'd be a scene where I was sitting in an asylum rec room playing chess against schizophrenic and then a nearby austistic kid would start playing the song on a slightly out of tune piano. And then suddenly my best friend would burst into the room and say: "Grab your things, I've come to take you home."

Yeah, I know that's goofy. But you know if you saw that scene in a movie you'd fucking love it.

Monday, September 15th, 2008
8:41 pm
5:58 am
One Missed Call


Well actually, it's FIVE missed calls. From an international number. At fucking 5:30 in the morning. I don't know anyone who lives in any foreign countries and if any of my asshole friends ended up in a Tijuana jail, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be the first person they called. Also, there's no voicemail message.

Why are people so goddam stupid? When I didn't answer the first time, and the phone went to voicemail, if you knew me, you should have left a message. If you heard the voicemail message and realized that you didn't know me or perhaps that you didn't even understand the language the voicemail was in, why the fuck did you call back FOUR MORE FUCKING TIMES? You're lucky I was already up for work.

I refuse to answer calls from unknown numbers and there's no way in hell I'd ever answer a call from an unknown international number, because part of me is convinced it's gonna be that same douchebag who keeps sending me e-mail and just happens to be the son of a late Nigerian warlord and needs my special help in moving his money out of the country. Fucking Nigerians.

Current Mood: annoyed
Friday, September 12th, 2008
11:17 pm
I have anger management issues :(


So earlier I yelled at my mom. She had asked if she could watch Monk and Psych with me, and I said yes. Well, that lasted for all of five minutes. She started tapping her feet during the Monk theme and I asked her to stop. When she didn't stop, I suggested that maybe she shouldn't buy the cheapest wine the liquor store sells because I can smell it from across the fucking room. Then she got really sad and left.

It was a complete overreaction and I feel really guilty, especially because she had just had a huge fight with my dad earlier, but fucking Christ, who the hell taps their feet? I mean, come on. If you wanna tap your feet, join a fucking Broadway show. If you wanna watch TV with me, then shut the fuck up and we'll sit there quietly and mutually enjoy some well-written television.



Current Mood: sad
9:19 pm
Death is everywhere.


About 10 years ago, my 90 year old next door neighbor sold her house because she couldn't really get around anymore. She moved into a nursing home and we never heard from her again. We assumed she died, but my mom had obsessively looked for her obit everyday anyway. Well, Monday she found it. Louise Lyons died Sunday in a Melrose rest home at 100.

Then Monday my great aunt died. Wednesday was the wake, Thursday was the funeral. So that sucked. Auntie Kay was awesome.

And on top of that, my cat is probably gonna die. She spends all day in basement except once a day when she comes up for food.

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
10:52 am
Clothing drive


I am currently accepting donations of those ubiquitous "Life is good" t-shirts. I plan to give them out to the homeless.



Current Mood: tired
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